Wrong Decisions

Breathe in, breathe out, Repeat

The art of making decisions has always been a topic for debate. Who is the right kind of decision maker? We roll our eyes at those who can never make one, judge the ones that make them too quickly, translate spontaneity as irresponsible, but tell the ones who plan too far ahead to just relax. What is the perfect formula for making a decision? The right one at that.

Truth is, there is none and sometimes the freedom for making a decision feels more like a burden. We fought so hard as teenagers for the responsibility to make our own decisions, but now that I am in my early twenties, it feels chaotic not having a four-year plan laid out in front of me. There is beauty in this chaos I know, but I have been struggling to find it.

When I make a decision, I think of everything. Even if my decision may seem spontaneous and of the blue, it has honestly been carefully calculated. I am already trying to find solutions to problems I know I am going to have next year April. This is my problem. This has been my problem for months. It is an easier pill to swallow if I say months, but honestly it has been almost a year. Ever since I graduated, my radar for making any sort of plan or decision has gone out the window. My "transitional year" (also easier, less rude way of calling this year) is almost up and I need to get it together.

My heart, head and bank account go at each other like a bunch of crazy felines as soon as the light bulb goes off about a new plan. My heart follows this hopeful idea that everything will be okay, my head makes sure that it is at least logical and my bank account just says NO. Lately I have been listening to my bank account if that gives you a taste of what it has been like.

Well, it's time to stop. I have lost my confidence to trust a decision. Even if other people don't agree, even if it seems a little illogical at first, I need to trust that I will be okay. I need to trust myself that I can handle whatever the universe throws at me. I need to regain my confidence that I know how to make it work and I have the drive, support, motivation and passion to do so, even if my "adult" sensors to live comfortably keep going off. Be happy or live comfortably. It is a constant battle and rare occasion when both can happen together. I applaud those who find that balance.

Sometimes the decision happens for you (like mine for quitting my 9-5 to pursue a graphic design/photography career - more on this later), but sometimes there is no one holding your hand and opening the right door. You can't calculate the outcome of every decision you make. Eventually any decision you make leads you to where you're suppose to be anyway, right?

Be fearless. The only mistakes we make are the ones we don't learn from.
I guess I should go make my decision now.

Photo was taken in 2011 with my first roll of Holga film.